Words cannot describe just how much I hate that new Head & Shoulders advert. It is quite possibly the worst advert in a long line of bad adverts, and not just because it's so goddamn irritating, either. It's the most badly concieved, muddled and banal advert ever made. The irritating stuff comes in a distant fourth. To highlight everything that's wrong with this advert would be to compel those who created it to throw themselves from the nearest tall building. So I will do just that, in the hopes that they fulfill their part of the bargain.

First off: Mickey. The line is right: everyone does know a bloke like Mickey. Thing is, everyone wants to pound his smug, self-satisfied face in. Mickies clutter up every wanky, overrated bar from Sheffield to Shoreditch - they are about as welcome on a night out as date rape. And yet they persist: schmoozing round unsuspecting girls in the hope of a grubby little fumble behind the kebab shop. Mickies film themselves having sex, then post it on YouTube. Mickies were bullied at school because they were so sleazy and repulsive, and now feel the need to justify their own sleazy, repulsive self-worth by being, well, more sleazy and repulsive. They are trapped in a vicious circle of hatefulness. Let's ignore the fact that Mickey is an utter fantasy: no bloke in the world has "a look to suit every occasion." It takes too fucking long and we're too lazy. Despite that little quibble, yeah, everybody knows a bloke like Mickey; but we all fucking hate him.

As if Mickey wasn't bad enough, we have the horribly matey voice over. A perfect bastard offspring of Danny Dyer and Hugh Grant, it is pitched in such a way that it won't offend a single soul. It isn't region specific, it isn't age specific. If Voiceover Monkey were a film he'd be a straight to video Disney movie: utterly forgetful and utterly bland, while also somehow being jaw-droppingly insulting to one's intelligence.

At some point during the mutual love in that spawned this ad, someone must've remembered that Head & Shoulders had built its very successful brand on the fact that it combats dandruff. Because of this, we get two sentences that jar horribly with the rest of the advert. "Mickey hates flakes, and he's got a style to suit every occasion." Huh? I hate the Head & Shoulders advert, and I am wearing a green jumper." Doesn't make sense, does it? Flakes of what? Pastry? Cadbury's Flakes? How muddled. Then you get Voiceover monkey at the end, gabbling the marketing brief like he's got a gun to his head: "Like Mickey, blokes who know voted Head & Shoulders number one in FHM Reader's Poll." Readers poll of what? Dandruff removal products? Irritating adverts? What does 'blokes who know' mean? I know many things, but I didn't vote for it. It's a total mess. This advert has the attention span of an ADHD addled kid after a Skittles binge.

The worst part though, the most glaring problem of them all, is this: Mickey supposedly has a look for every occasion, yes? Okay, so presumably he uses styling products to obtain these looks, yes?

Head & Shoulders don't make styling products.

Head & Shoulders make shampoo.

The point of the advert is nothing to do with the successful selling point of the brand. The whole fucking aggrivating nonsense of a Soho wankfest is a lie. Clearly cobbled together one extended Friday lunchtime down the pub, it is more annoying than a room full of Big Brother contestants and it doesn't. Even. Make. Sense!

Do not buy this product, it's that fucking simple. If you buy it, you're only encouraging them.