The Artistic Roll Call

Booger — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 21:55:04 +0100

Hope you don't mind, but tonight I'm just going to re-type an old Bill Hicks sketch from '92. He was a huge influence on me and I wanted to pay homage to that fact by, well, y'know... just ripping him off. What? You do mind? See, I told them you would. Damn, I hate it when I'm right.

It's the last week of October, so allow me to officially welcome you to The Suck. Yeah, I know that's what they call the first Iraq War in Jarhead, but I bet you didn't know that 'The Suck' is also the proper way to refer to every single album released between the last week of October and the third week of December. It's true, just agree with me. In this period - just over two months - record labels will fob on you every little thing they can in the hope that you, the zombie shopper, will consider them adequate enough to present to a loved one at Christmas. Case in point: Radio One's double whammy of mediocrity. First off, Live Lounge Volume 2.

The first Live Lounge compilation was a surprise hit last Christmas. By surprise I mean they released it in fairly small numbers, it was successful, and they pumped out a few hundred thousand to keep up with demand. And it was a genuine success; even my mum asked for a copy. And so, with all the crusihing inevitability of an X-Factor /christmas number one, we get an utterly needless, irrelevant, cash in Volume Two. Worse, though, is Radio One's idea that we want all things Radio One for Christmas 2007.

Y'see, they've punted something else out this year an extra little indicator of just how cheap our national broadcaster thinks you are. Ostensibly a 30th anniversary treat, Radio 1: Est 1967 is meant to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the shining light of British radio. But if it was really meant to commemorate anything it would've been released a month ago (unfortunately shit doesn't shift in September), and the fact it nestles snuggly on HMV's shelves next to Live Lounge 2 simply highlights how The Suck gets worse each and every year.

Here's where we come back to my Hicks reference at the start. Because if I followed the ethos of Est 1967 then all I'd do is re-type an old Bill Hicks routine. Est. 1967 has today's artists covering classic songs of yesteryear. And yes, that is every bit as bad as it sounds.

I should point out that I don't object to cover versions per se; a decent, well placed cover can lift a live set (Damien Rice's cello player once single-handedly saved his life covering Seven Nation Army), and back in the day when you used to actualy buy music, an interesting cover version would elevate a single to 'essential purchase' status in a heartbeat. Sadly, all they've done with Est. 1967 is leave a monument to just how truly fucking awful music was in 2007. I mean, just look at this tracklist:

Disc One

1. Flowers In The Rain-Kaiser Chiefs
2. All Along The Watchtower-The Fratellis
3. Cupid-Amy Winehouse
4. Lola-Robbie Williams
5. Your Song-The Streets
6. Betcha By Golly Wow-Sugababes
7. You're So Vain-The Feeling
8. Band On The Run-Foo Fighters
9. Love Is The Drug-Kylie
10. Let's Stick Together-KT Tunstall
11. Sound And Vision-Franz Ferdinand
12. Teenage Kicks-The Raconteurs
13. Can't Stand Losing You-Mika Vs Armand Van Helden
14. Too Much Too Young-Kasabian
15. Under Pressure-Keane
16. Town Called Malice-McFly
17. Come Back And Stay-James Morrison
18. Careless Whisper-Gossip
19. The Power Of Love-The Pigeon Detectives
20. Don't Get Me Wrong-Lily Allen

Disc Two

1. You Sexy Thing-Stereophonics
2. Fast Car-Mutya Buena
3. Lullaby-Editors
4. Englishman In New York-Razorlight
5. Crazy For You-Groove Armada
6. It Must Be Love-Paolo Nutini
7. All That She Wants-The Kooks
8. You're All I Need To Get By-Mark Ronson
9. Stillness In Time-Calvin Harris
10. No Diggity-Klaxons
11. Lovefool-Just Jack
12. Ray Of Light-Natasha Bedingfield
13. Drinking In LA-The Twang
14. The Great Beyond-The Fray
15. Teenage Dirtbag-Girls Aloud
16. Like I Love You-Maximo Park
17. Don't Look Back Into The Sun-The View
18. Toxic-Hard-Fi
19. Father And Son-The Enemy
20. Steady As She Goes-Corinne Bailey Rae

You don't get more than two songs in before you spot something is seriously fucking amiss; there's not really anything wrong with The Fratellis... but does anyone want to hear them cover All Along the Watchtower? Fuck, they have exactly ONE album under their belts - you can't cover Hendrix until you've shaken the cultural landscape a bit. It gets worse: Robbie Williams covering The Kinks, Keane covering Queen (read that out loud, go on), fucking McFly covering The Jam... FOR CHRISTSSAKES! We haven't even moved onto disc two and already it's become an insult.

This isn't any sort of memorial to 30 years of great music, this is a cheap, nasty cash in from a whole bunch of people who should really know better. As if you would ever, ever, remember one of Madonna's finest moments by sticking on a fucking Groove Armada cover version. What is the fucking point of having The View cover The Libertines? There is none at all - it's utterly redundant. Teenage Dirtbag is a hideous song, who in their right mind would want to hear Girls Aloud make it worse?

Make no mistake, this is a colection of oddities and afterthoughts that have been packaged together to get £15 out of your pocket. There's no sentiment behind it, there's no wish to memorialise anything great, it's a simple, cynical cash-in. And it'l be followed by a whole load more simple, cynical cash-ins over the next few months.

Welcome to The Suck.

"Everybody knows a bloke like Mickey!"

Booger — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 16:47:11 +0100

Words cannot describe just how much I hate that new Head & Shoulders advert. It is quite possibly the worst advert in a long line of bad adverts, and not just because it's so goddamn irritating, either. It's the most badly concieved, muddled and banal advert ever made. The irritating stuff comes in a distant fourth. To highlight everything that's wrong with this advert would be to compel those who created it to throw themselves from the nearest tall building. So I will do just that, in the hopes that they fulfill their part of the bargain.

First off: Mickey. The line is right: everyone does know a bloke like Mickey. Thing is, everyone wants to pound his smug, self-satisfied face in. Mickies clutter up every wanky, overrated bar from Sheffield to Shoreditch - they are about as welcome on a night out as date rape. And yet they persist: schmoozing round unsuspecting girls in the hope of a grubby little fumble behind the kebab shop. Mickies film themselves having sex, then post it on YouTube. Mickies were bullied at school because they were so sleazy and repulsive, and now feel the need to justify their own sleazy, repulsive self-worth by being, well, more sleazy and repulsive. They are trapped in a vicious circle of hatefulness. Let's ignore the fact that Mickey is an utter fantasy: no bloke in the world has "a look to suit every occasion." It takes too fucking long and we're too lazy. Despite that little quibble, yeah, everybody knows a bloke like Mickey; but we all fucking hate him.

As if Mickey wasn't bad enough, we have the horribly matey voice over. A perfect bastard offspring of Danny Dyer and Hugh Grant, it is pitched in such a way that it won't offend a single soul. It isn't region specific, it isn't age specific. If Voiceover Monkey were a film he'd be a straight to video Disney movie: utterly forgetful and utterly bland, while also somehow being jaw-droppingly insulting to one's intelligence.

At some point during the mutual love in that spawned this ad, someone must've remembered that Head & Shoulders had built its very successful brand on the fact that it combats dandruff. Because of this, we get two sentences that jar horribly with the rest of the advert. "Mickey hates flakes, and he's got a style to suit every occasion." Huh? I hate the Head & Shoulders advert, and I am wearing a green jumper." Doesn't make sense, does it? Flakes of what? Pastry? Cadbury's Flakes? How muddled. Then you get Voiceover monkey at the end, gabbling the marketing brief like he's got a gun to his head: "Like Mickey, blokes who know voted Head & Shoulders number one in FHM Reader's Poll." Readers poll of what? Dandruff removal products? Irritating adverts? What does 'blokes who know' mean? I know many things, but I didn't vote for it. It's a total mess. This advert has the attention span of an ADHD addled kid after a Skittles binge.

The worst part though, the most glaring problem of them all, is this: Mickey supposedly has a look for every occasion, yes? Okay, so presumably he uses styling products to obtain these looks, yes?

Head & Shoulders don't make styling products.

Head & Shoulders make shampoo.

The point of the advert is nothing to do with the successful selling point of the brand. The whole fucking aggrivating nonsense of a Soho wankfest is a lie. Clearly cobbled together one extended Friday lunchtime down the pub, it is more annoying than a room full of Big Brother contestants and it doesn't. Even. Make. Sense!

Do not buy this product, it's that fucking simple. If you buy it, you're only encouraging them.

The Ledge Beyond the Edge

The Artistic Roll Call

Disc One

Disc Two

"Everybody knows a bloke like Mickey!"